Confused- that's the word. Simple as it is, pretty much sums up how I'm actually feeling at this point of time. Just in case you're wondering, I'm using my cell phone to blog. I'm kinda loving this Blogger app. It's convenient and yup as I've mentioned earlier, my laptop broke down bla and bla. So yup, using my cell phone to blog. Second post of the day. I don't need to blog, but I just want to. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read my blog, but I'll still continue blogging. It's kind of like an online diary in which I share my personal, yet not-so-personal stuff with people though I'm uncertain if anyone will ever read it!
So I mentioned that I'm confused. Yeah, in fact, very confused. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening to me. I don't usually think so deep. Well yeah, I think all the time, and I tend to think a lot. No, I'm not paranoid- I'm very sure of it, but I just think a lot. I think all the time, anywhere and everywhere. But this time, something inside me tells me things are changing; it's not the same anymore. Sometimes I wonder, if I changed along the way. I personally do think that I've changed. The question is: have I changed for the better, or for the worse?
I don't open up to just anybody and everybody. If I ever open up to you, you must be a friend that I really trust and love, or someone that I have feelings for. It's simple, isn't it? I seriously think that I'm complicating things for myself. One of the many reasons why I'm starting to keep things to myself is because I don't really even see the need of confiding in people now; you don't even know who's true to you and who isn't. It's difficult to see because you don't really, and won't really know who's having a mask on and who're the ones that are really true to you.
I've realised that as I grow older, things start getting more and more complicated. I really miss how simple and innocent things used to be, although I don't really adore my childhood. I get real uneasy when people start talking about how great their childhood is, with fantasies and stuff, being showered with lots of love. Mine isn't. It's the total opposite. It's a total nightmare I totally won't want to relive, even if I'm give ten thousand dollars for. I've had one filled with memories I never want to remember. Even though I don't hold it against anyone, it's still difficult to forget. Things are just imprinted in my mind. Like it or not, it'll stay with me forever. Scarred for life maybe? It's easy to forgive, but forgetting is yet another problem. Here I am, sitting by the edge of my bed, typing this. Brings back so much unwanted memories, but no, I will never let my past define me. Yeah, what's my point of the whole damn chunk right? I'm just trying to say that even with bad memories, things were simpler- much simpler than things are right now.
Growing up was what I've always wanted. Even until now. Every single day, I pray that I can grow up faster so that I can survive on my own. I used to pray that things will keep getting better, but they never did. The nightmares never were over. They're always ever-ready to haunt me. I never wanted to be strong myself; I was forced to be strong. Whenever life throws an obstacle in front of me, I'll just overcome it. It comes so naturally now.
People have always told me that I looked very confident and proud. Guys come telling me that I look so confident that people don't even dare to approach me. I've always reacted to such comments in the same way. "I do? Really?" I'll say. Because I'm not a confident individual at all. I've got many insecurities. I know exactly why I'm so insecure, to the extent I'm slightly philophobic. I just think that I'm not good enough- that always is the case, but no, that will not be the case forever.
I'm kind of glad that today, I'm still alive and kicking. People tell me I'm a very cheerful and bubbly girl. People even tell me that they wished they were me, but hey, you don't know exactly what I've been through or what I'm going through. Becareful for what you wish for. You'll never want to be me if you truly know my story. Given a chance, I'll still want to live this life. Indeed, it haven't been too smooth a journey for me, but pain is what keeps people alive, no? I'm not sadistic I swear, but I'm contented with who I am now. I'm glad to say I haven't given up till date and I'm still fighting. "You have a personality," is what people tell me. I don't know about it man, but I stand firm in my stand that I'll just be who I am.
Off topic, you must be thinking. Nope, I've never intended to share what I'm confused over. It's so confusing I don't know how to phrase these confusing thoughts and feelings into words. Well, I'll just live with it for now I guess? Like what can I do right? And just in case if you're wondering... Nope, I'm not a lunatic; I'm not insane. I don't need to visit a counsellor of sort. Mum told me I've been to a psychiatrist once, when I was five, but I'm fine now. A healthy and strong individual, fighting my way till the very end; I'll never give up.
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