Down

Been kind of down these few days, but I'm positive that things'll be different soon. Real soon.. I always give myself "deadlines" to meet. On one perspective, it's constantly stressing myself out. However, on another note, it's simply giving myself certain restrictions- good or bad, no one knows. For all I know, I can be restricting myself from immersing into more misery.

It was a good, carefree six months. I really hate this, but I'm only human. Powerless against all these.. natural phenomenon kind of thing. Emotions can be controlled, but feelings can't. How true.

I've always thought that heavy metal music was nonsense. I didn't know how to appreciate heavy metal music until recently. Avenged Sevenfold is a real inspiring band. My favourite song by them is So Far Away though.

I'm pretty sure I can get over this. After all, so much have happened. I know myself deep down, that this isn't possible. The thing about being a realist, that is. Other than this, the holidays have been quite an eventful one (excluding today) because of all the activities.

I would pretty much call today a special day. Not that today means anything special to me.. It's just that the date is kind of.. cool. I mean, how many 11/12/13s would there be? But again, it's a planless day so yeah, not so special after all.

I need to breathe.

Blend

Oh, what a title! Blend? Yes, blend. I just feel well, kind of grouchy? I don't know. Honestly, what's this feeling that I'm feeling right now? The only thing I know is that I hate this feeling that I'm feeling and that's all.

People often say, "Truth Hurts". I know that. Some years ago, I experienced what people meant by "Truth Hurts" and the sucky thing now is that I'm experiencing it again? Somewhat. I'm confused. But there's something that I'm sure of: you don't feel the same.

Ok well, there's no point for a super long post. I have no idea what I'm doing for the whole of today. I'm totally.. blur today. Like heck, am I even awake? I feel so tired, grouchy and empty for no apparent reason. Literally feeling like shit.

But alas, I still believe that tomorrow'll be better!

Study Break

7 more days to official freedom. 2 more MCQ papers to go and I'm FREE. It's kind of a long study break for me, compared to most people. Took much time to think through about life. My life. Everything about my life. Well, I guess and hope it isn't too late to see and realise things I didn't want to or never realised in the past. There're always reason to why I do certain things. Distancing myself away is one. I just wanted a clearer picture of all that's happening. Nobody really gives a damn about me actually. Not like I do but oh whatever, not like it concerns me- not anymore. Right now, my life's just like:

I DON'T ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN.

Got a new laptop. It's such a babe I swear. ASUS Republic of Gamers- probably one of the best laptops I've ever owned. It's black, baby! So cool and it even comes with a free gaming mouse! Not like I'm a heavy gamer or whatever but I mean it seriously is COOL. The sound system's good and everything about it is just so awesome.. for now, that is.

To be honest, I don't really have much to blog about right now. I'm quite "disconnected" with the outside world and I'm just like living in a world of my own. Kind of like it though. That's all for now.

Mixed Feelings

11th October 2013 marks the last official day of my secondary school life. We'll be going off for our study leave and today's the last day we greet our teachers in a classroom setting. Ahh, mixed feelings I have about this. As much as I want to graduate, a part of me wants to be with this class for a little more time. No doubt, 4E1 may not be the best class ever. I have to admit that I didn't like the class in Sec 3, but as we get together more often, I started to see the good of this class. We grew so much together and I'm glad to say everyone's grown to be more mature. It's all the little things and insults we give one another that makes 4E1, 4E1. From dropping metal rulers on the ground and roaring Khairul's name as a class to calling Darren polarbaby69, to saying "calcium" as "calshium", etc. All these are memories made. I started to love this class more and more as the days go by.

Now that we're graduating, it's like I've stumbled upon realisation that this class is actually better than I thought. Although we started out to be kind of segregated, having many cliques of people in class, I'm glad to say we've more or less bonded as one. I'm certain that someday, ten or twenty years down the road, I'll eventually turn back and say "man, I miss my secondary school days!".

Class party today is probably the best class party I've ever had in my 4 years in HS. Thank you so much to Mrs Goh and Mdm Tan who treated us to so many boxes of pizzas, chicken wings and so many bottles of drinks.. I'm really blessed to have such wonderful and motherly CCs and I'll definitely miss you, teachers!

Stayed back for extra long to ask Ms Toh questions today. The queue was short, to be honest. Just me, Kenneth, Kimberly and Darren, but we took up over an hour just to ask questions. I'm really glad to have such awesome teachers who'll go the extra mile for us and not forgetting the super cute Mdm Zuraidah who stuck a post it saying "For my 4E1 Bio Babies". All these memories are memories I'll never want to forget.

18th October 2013 is graduation day- the last day we'll come together as a cohort. I'll miss every single detail- good or bad- in secondary school. HS was my 1st choice then and I'm proud to say that I've never regretted my choice.

Once a Hougean, forever a Hougean.

Words

Words- they can heal and they can hurt- are probably what people refer to as the most powerful weapon till date. Yeah, I'm taking a break and I thought I'd just blog. It's funny how everyone knows that words can hurt and yet, people use words to hurt people. Be it intentionally or unintentionally, the pain is still inflicted on a certain individual. Mixed feelings, yeah. Well, I'm not saying that I always choose my words wisely and I'm not saying that I'm a saint of sort, who never ever hurt people with my words. Well, I do admit that I sometimes unintentionally hurt people with my words and I'm awfully sorry for all that I've done, but certainly... at least I apologised right? Not like I'm saying it will help a lot or whatsoever but what I really can't understand is how some people can just hurt people with their words and get on with their lives oh so easily, not even feeling a pang of guilt. I mean seriously? You've got to be kidding me. I always feel that pang of guilt in me whenever I do something wrong, until I apologise. I just wonder how people can do away with that.

I'm not referring to anyone, though. I've always believed in learning lessons the hard way. I may not be right all the time; I'm not perfect. Neither are you. We're all flawed, but that's precisely what makes us human, right? I won't deny that I was kind of sad and stuff but it's over (at least for me) and I'm not gonna brood over things like that. Rather, I thank the person for making me see my priorities in life even more clearly than I've ever seen them and I'm so glad that I've since become more reserved a person and stopped sharing my personal feelings with others. You see, for me, I feel that it's no use sharing. At the end of the day, no one's really gonna help you through anything. You've still gotta be the one pulling yourself through, which is what's gonna make you stronger. It doesn't matter, how many times you get beaten down; what matters most is, how many times you actually stand back up. Resilience is key and to all the people out there who're struggling in one way or another, break free of what's pulling you down and emerge stronger.

"How you've started the journey doesn't matter; what matters most is how you're gonna end it. Are you going to finish ot strong? The ultimate choice lies in your hands."- I'll never forget these words of wisdom.

Satisfaction

A wise man once said, "do not spoil what you have, by desiring what you have not.". No doubt, I googled the word "satisfaction". This word have been lurking around the back of mind for the whole afternoon. What exactly is satisfaction? I can't help but agree with the quote above.

The human heart can never be satisfied. Greedy, we all are. It's like once we've experienced something good in a way, we naturally expect that certain thing to always be that good. It's like there'll be this natural and invisible expectation already set. We unknowingly set expectations for ourselves.

I'm guilty of setting invisible expectations, I don't deny. I may appear as if I'm all fine at times when I don't live up to my expectations, but deep inside, I know I'm not. We all know that "guilty of setting invisible expectations" is just "greedy", being put in a nicer way. I had a rather interesting conversation of sort, with some of my friends earlier today. I'm not gonna type the whole thing out but really, I thought what they said were indeed true and worth giving them some thought. If the three of you are reading this post, yes, I take your words seriously okay! I do consider what you guys say although I may not comment much at that point of time.

Well yes, that's about satisfaction. I can go on and on, talking in depth but I'd prefer to keep it short- shorter than it originally would have been- and sweet.

On a side note, I'm feeling kind of grouchy today but I don't know why. I don't think it's because I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" or just solely because I'm disappointed-kind of- with myself. I'm quite a complex person, I'll say. I sometimes do take quite sometime to understand myself too! I'm not schizophrenic... just simply complex... wow look! An oxymoron used! Though that's kind of green... haha!

I've always thought you were different. Hence, I reacted differently to you. Seems like I'm losing way too much faith. I'm proud to say that it's bothering me less but still, I hate it when things are left hanging.

That's about it for now I guess? Had a real long day I'm drained. Didn't even put in the effort to ensure that this post is well-written but oh, whatever!

Realisation

I've always found it hard to express my thoughts and feelings into words. In fact, I think I have trouble expressing myself. Often, I'd think: Is it just me feeling this way, or does everyone feel the same?

"A penny of your thoughts?" asked a friend one day. I never liked sharing my thoughts, because I just can't seem to phrase them into sentences, no matter how hard I try. It's like whenever I open my mouth and try to say out what I'm feeling/thinking, nothing comes out. I've realised that "nothing" and "I don't know" are like the best excuses to avoiding situations- situations that I don't wish to encounter.

People come and go in life. They're either a blessing or a lesson of sort. It's crazy how people can make you feel like you're their everything this moment, and make you feel like you're absolutely nothing the next. Last night, I tweeted: Please don't come and go as you please.. Well, yes. I don't like that feeling. Especially if someone special does that. It hurts like a bitch, I swear, but there's no way I can stop people from coming and leaving as they please. Like I said, it's life. People who get into your life, they're either a blessing or a lesson. There's nothing we can do to stop them for coming into/leaving our lives.

Why am I typing all these right? Well, yeah, I think I lost somebody- somebody that actually even means something to me, but well, I don't think it's mutual. I hope I haven't lost the person though, but I'm on the verge of losing the person- I just know it.

Feeling moody all of a sudden, without a reason. I hate to admit things that I don't want to admit. I hate how vulnerable I'm feeling right now. I hate how I'm feeling right now. I hate that I'm missing somebody that I don't want to miss.

I just hope that it isn't too late to realise,

State of Confusion

Confused- that's the word. Simple as it is, pretty much sums up how I'm actually feeling at this point of time. Just in case you're wondering, I'm using my cell phone to blog. I'm kinda loving this Blogger app. It's convenient and yup as I've mentioned earlier, my laptop broke down bla and bla. So yup, using my cell phone to blog. Second post of the day. I don't need to blog, but I just want to. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read my blog, but I'll still continue blogging. It's kind of like an online diary in which I share my personal, yet not-so-personal stuff with people though I'm uncertain if anyone will ever read it!

So I mentioned that I'm confused. Yeah, in fact, very confused. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening to me. I don't usually think so deep. Well yeah, I think all the time, and I tend to think a lot. No, I'm not paranoid- I'm very sure of it, but I just think a lot. I think all the time, anywhere and everywhere. But this time, something inside me tells me things are changing; it's not the same anymore. Sometimes I wonder, if I changed along the way. I personally do think that I've changed. The question is: have I changed for the better, or for the worse?

I don't open up to just anybody and everybody. If I ever open up to you, you must be a friend that I really trust and love, or someone that I have feelings for. It's simple, isn't it? I seriously think that I'm complicating things for myself. One of the many reasons why I'm starting to keep things to myself is because I don't really even see the need of confiding in people now; you don't even know who's true to you and who isn't. It's difficult to see because you don't really, and won't really know who's having a mask on and who're the ones that are really true to you.

I've realised that as I grow older, things start getting more and more complicated. I really miss how simple and innocent things used to be, although I don't really adore my childhood. I get real uneasy when people start talking about how great their childhood is, with fantasies and stuff, being showered with lots of love. Mine isn't. It's the total opposite. It's a total nightmare I totally won't want to relive, even if I'm give ten thousand dollars for. I've had one filled with memories I never want to remember. Even though I don't hold it against anyone, it's still difficult to forget. Things are just imprinted in my mind. Like it or not, it'll stay with me forever. Scarred for life maybe? It's easy to forgive, but forgetting is yet another problem. Here I am, sitting by the edge of my bed, typing this. Brings back so much unwanted memories, but no, I will never let my past define me. Yeah, what's my point of the whole damn chunk right? I'm just trying to say that even with bad memories, things were simpler- much simpler than things are right now.

Growing up was what I've always wanted. Even until now. Every single day, I pray that I can grow up faster so that I can survive on my own. I used to pray that things will keep getting better, but they never did. The nightmares never were over. They're always ever-ready to haunt me. I never wanted to be strong myself; I was forced to be strong. Whenever life throws an obstacle in front of me, I'll just overcome it. It comes so naturally now.

People have always told me that I looked very confident and proud. Guys come telling me that I look so confident that people don't even dare to approach me. I've always reacted to such comments in the same way. "I do? Really?" I'll say. Because I'm not a confident individual at all. I've got many insecurities. I know exactly why I'm so insecure, to the extent I'm slightly philophobic. I just think that I'm not good enough- that always is the case, but no, that will not be the case forever.

I'm kind of glad that today, I'm still alive and kicking. People tell me I'm a very cheerful and bubbly girl. People even tell me that they wished they were me, but hey, you don't know exactly what I've been through or what I'm going through. Becareful for what you wish for. You'll never want to be me if you truly know my story. Given a chance, I'll still want to live this life. Indeed, it haven't been too smooth a journey for me, but pain is what keeps people alive, no? I'm not sadistic I swear, but I'm contented with who I am now. I'm glad to say I haven't given up till date and I'm still fighting. "You have a personality," is what people tell me. I don't know about it man, but I stand firm in my stand that I'll just be who I am.

Off topic, you must be thinking. Nope, I've never intended to share what I'm confused over. It's so confusing I don't know how to phrase these confusing thoughts and feelings into words. Well, I'll just live with it for now I guess? Like what can I do right? And just in case if you're wondering... Nope, I'm not a lunatic; I'm not insane. I don't need to visit a counsellor of sort. Mum told me I've been to a psychiatrist once, when I was five, but I'm fine now. A healthy and strong individual, fighting my way till the very end; I'll never give up.

Potatoes

It's like I finally have the time to blog. It's been a real hectic time for me- it still is. But well, it's a day off school. My laptop broke down and it's kind of inconvenient for me to blog. I'm actually currently typing this post at my friend, Fikri's place. Yeah I'm using his laptop.

Life has been fine so far. I'm so happy to say I got over him. But what I'm currently real afraid of is that I'm infatuated with somebody else. This feeling- it's indescribable. I never planned to crush on anybody; I never wanted to.

So well, apparently I was kind of attacked on ask.fm last night. I have no idea who the person/people are, and I don't even bother guessing. I just want to trust all my friends around me. I just want to love all of them; I don't want to doubt any of them. My conscience is clear; I've been lying low these days. In fact, this year. I never crossed anyone's line. But well,  maybe I have, unknowingly, or maybe it's past 'feuds'. I never hold things against people; I never intended to. I'm really sorry if I offended anybody, I truly have no idea at all. If I've offended you and just so happen that you're like reading this, I'm sorry, and I'd prefer for you/you guys to tell me straight in my face, rather than sending me hate messages on ask.fm. At least let me know what I've done wrong? It's basic courtesy- so called.

Some people ask me of what I think of those hate messages posted to me on ask.fm. Well, this is life, I'll say. You can never really please everybody. No matter what you do and how well you present yourself, people are still going to hate on you. Nobody's perfect, that's precisely why haters exist, no? No matter what you do, society's still gonna judge you. Take for example, you may be doing charity work and people may just call you 'fake'! You see, this is something about the perspective of people. Different people have different perspectives and that's a fact- nobody can change it. It's in people's blood.

Some people ask me, why do I even bother answering those 'questions' haters post to me. Well, the inverted commas are there for a reason. They aren't really questions you see. Basically, they're just random assumptions - in a way - about me. Well, I just thought that there's a 'learning point' in everything. Today, someone might be showing their hate to me. You'll never really know if tomorrow, someone might be showing their hate on you. What I'm experiencing today MAY be what YOU will be experiencing tomorrow.

Ellery, that's my name. That's the name my mother gave me. I don't know why so many people are having problems with 'Ellery', but that is the name my mum gave me, and I'm proud to say that I'm loving this name. It means joy and happiness. It's just as simple as that; I never meant to complicate things.

I don't really care if critics ever jump in line again; I'm mature enough to not stoop to the level of haters to even hate on them or argue/quarrel with them.

I'm sorry if you/you guys can't accept me for who I am. Nevertheless, this is me. This is who I am. Love me for who I am; don't love me for who I'm not. I appreciate everyone that have stuck with me through thick and thin of my life. I'm grateful for everyone in my life and just know that I love all of you! That's all for now! Back to my movie~